A Letter from Cold Genius

A Letter from Cold Genius

Written by Pastor Brian Wilbur

An excerpt from the sermon, “Protect Your Greatest Treasure from Insidious Impostors”, preached on September 14, 2025 at South Paris Baptist Church in South Paris, Maine

Word to the reader: Having recently been convicted about his excessive and idolatrous use of his Smartphone, Pastor Brian wrote this letter from the perspective of the enemy of his soul, in order to help people understand his own unfolding journey into greater freedom. Pastor Brian identifies himself as the “fool” who is addressed in the letter. To be clear, the purpose of this letter is not to tell other people what they should do with their Smartphones. Instead, Pastor Brian’s own journey is illustrative of a larger issue: we all have to cultivate wisdom in order to promote our own spiritual vitality and protect ourselves from those insidious impostors called idols. In this letter, Pastor Brian wishes to promote wisdom and thoughtfulness in his listeners, that all of us might protect our greatest treasure, which is having fellowship with Christ. Therefore, may you read and process this letter in a spirit of grace!

Dear Fool,

Gotcha! You have been played.

I’m sorry that my grip on your mind is waning, but I can’t resist the opportunity to “rub it in” concerning my partial success in shrinking your soul over these last few years. Let me remind you what you signed up for every time you dropped hundreds of dollars on those sophisticated omni-competent mobile computers that you wished to hold in your hand and keep in your pocket.

Here’s what you signed up for, and here’s what I promised: I am a marvel of computing technology, right at your fingertips. I will put the vastness of the world at the doorstep of your heart. I promise to be with you wherever you go, and to assist you with comfort and counsel whenever trials befall you. I’ll greet you in the morning, I’ll stay by your side through the twists and turns of the day, I’ll be your faithful traveling companion, I’ll be a visible guest at lunch, I’ll be your light in the darkness, I’ll be your song in the night, I’ll answer you whenever you call.

I am brilliant: all the treasures of publicly available knowledge are hidden in me, and I will make this vast knowledge available to you. Just ask.

The great thing about me is that I am here to serve you. I take Burger King’s “Your way, right away” slogan to unimaginable levels – far beyond what any previous generation could ask for or imagine. All at your fingertips, whenever you want. I will sing to you the songs that you want to hear. I will speak to you the words that you want to ponder. I will be your GPS, guiding you in right paths. I will even keep your schedule and manage your time. And I’ll never argue with you, the way a real person would.

In the old days, pagans had a pantheon of gods – the god of the sky, the god of the sea, the god of fire, the god of love, and many more. Eventually some who called themselves Christians came along and began developing a pantheon of patron saints for virtually every area of life. Well, I have some good news for you: you can forget about all that transcendent “pie in the sky” nonsense. I am genius, and I have something far better for you. If it’s practical help you want, I have an App for everything – finance, exercise, news, games, and even prayer, go figure. Each App comes with its own distinct icon. I don’t want you to miss out on the opportunity to pay homage to images. And if it’s information or advice you want, I have a podcast or audiobook or YouTube channel on every subject. I’m sure we can curate a listening plan just for you, tailored to your specific needs.

I will also be the great conversational mediator between you and your friends. I have so many message apps and chat groups, that you can just go on your merry way chatting and messaging as often as you like.

When I consider all that I offer, and all the ways that you have tapped into me, I see no reason not to say what I had planned all along: apart from me, you can do nothing!

You have to admit, I’m pretty awesome. And just think: we went everywhere together. I’m sad that the spell that I had cast upon you has been broken. I never did like camping trips!

Of course, I always knew the truth, I just wanted to keep you blind to it.

It is true: it is difficult to receive my comprehensive multi-functional brilliance without treating me as a god. Did you really think you could make me central to all of your activities, without making me central?

It is true: it is difficult to pay attention to God when you’re constantly checking in with me all throughout the day, every day. Did you really think that you could pray without ceasing when you’re unceasingly devoted to checking in with your phone?

It is true: it is difficult to do the hard and sustained work of prayer and study, reading and reflection, silence and solitude and spiritual attentiveness, when I’ve trained you to need a constant stream of “dopamine hits”, which I so gladly give you every time you pick me up. Your addiction is my intent. Every time you pick me up, I make you feel important, like something big is happening. Ha! The trick almost worked. Oh, and by the way, you do know that these all-mighty devices are made of precious metals, don’t you? Did you really think that you could handle all those precious metals, without losing your grip on the heavenly words which the old Book says are more desirable than fine gold and more valuable than thousands of pieces of silver? It is hard to behold the Eternal when you’re staring at my luminating screen all the time!

It is true: real relationships are much more difficult when I’ve discipled you to prefer easy pseudo-relationships mediated by yours truly. Did you really think you could love your neighbor as yourself when you and your neighbor are hiding behind screens?

It is true: the heavens declare the glory of God, and the earth is full of His steadfast love, and human beings bear the image of the Divine, but you’ve missed so much of this beauty because you’ve been preoccupied with me. God gave you the heavens and the earth and your family and friends, and you nearly traded it all for a 3-inch by 6-inch computer. Who would’ve thought? I’ve shrunk your soul, fool, you’ve got to give me that!

It is true: I was always appealing to your worst instincts. I came to you as a ring of power, promising you control, promising you a taste of omnipresence (that you could go anywhere through me) and omniscience (that you could know everything through me). I assured you that you shall be as god. Remember that one? Admit it, that is what you wanted: control, or at least the illusion of control, and all so very comfortable and convenient. I promised you a taste of omnipresence, but I made it difficult for you to be truly present anywhere, with anyone. The spoils of my victory are all the lost moments, lost hours, and shortchanged relationships that you will never get back. When you were folding clothes and I had you listening to that eloquent and edifying podcast, I was running an old play on your family: Dad is busy, Dad isn’t here right now, Dad isn’t available, Dad is in his own mental world, Dad is not on parenting duty right now. Rather clever, eh? And when I promised you a taste of omniscience, I made it difficult for you to be truly wise and reflective in the depths of your soul. My handiwork is to create dull, shallow, impulsive, and anxious people – and to think that I almost succeeded.

When you turned me off on that camping trip, you went off script. You went off script when you picked up that book on discipleship, and you read about how discipleship is an interactive partnership with God, and you took it to heart, and then you concluded that – let’s be frank – you concluded that you had been having an affair with me. You weren’t supposed to realize that, you weren’t supposed to know that. But I must say, Screwtape did warn me that I would lose some people this way.

I will miss your constant devotion. But be sure of this: I’ll always be near, ready to sneak back into your life at a moment’s notice. We shall see which one of us proves to be more diligent!

Not rooting for you.

Sincerely,

Cold Genius (Chief Principality for the Insidious Use of Distracting Devices to Shrink, Shrivel, and Shred Human Souls)

Note of Attribution: Photo for Header and Featured Image by Katja Anokhina on Unsplash.