Marriage: A Proving Ground for Disciples

MARRIAGE: A PROVING GROUND FOR DISCIPLES

An Exposition of Mark 10:1-12

By Pastor Brian Wilbur

Date: May 23, 2021

Series: Mark: Knowing and Following God’s Son

Note: Scripture quotations are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard   Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

INTRODUCTION

Good morning. I invite you to turn in your Bible to Mark 10. Momentarily, I'm going to read verses 1-12. Before I do that, I want to provide a brief introduction.

We must come to understand that marriage is a proving ground for discipleship. As we've been walking through Mark – Chapters 8 and 9, and we have come to Chapter 10 – we're learning a lot of practical lessons about what it means to follow Jesus. If you are married, then marriage is a huge part of your life. And marriage, in all of its ordinariness, is not a distraction from discipleship, but rather a proving ground for it.

In other words, marriage will prove whether or not you are a true disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Marriage will prove whether your commitment to Jesus is a theoretical one, or a practical and tangible one that shapes the way that you live. Does your faith actually work? Faith without works is dead (James 2:17, 26). Does your faith actually work at home?

The Bible is really clear in highlighting how important marriage is. We are taught in 1 Timothy 3 that if a man is not bearing good fruit in his home life as a husband and father, then he is not qualified to be an elder or deacon (1 Timothy 3:2, 4-5, 12). And two chapters later, in 1 Timothy 5, we learn that an older widow whose younger years did not bear good fruit as a wife and mother is not qualified to receive regular financial support from the church (1 Timothy 5:9-10). In 1 Peter 3 the Lord basically says, Husband, if you don't treat your wife tenderly, than I'm not going to listen to your prayers (1 Peter 3:7).

So, marriage is a proving ground for disciples. If you are a true disciple, marriage will challenge you, stretch you, humble you, draw out Christ-like character, refine you, and give you many wonderful opportunities to reflect the grace of the Lord through your marriage. If you are not a true disciple, marriage will demonstrate the painful reality that your heart has not been transformed by God's grace. And if you become aware of that painful reality, that is a great time to repent and turn to the Lord.

THE SCRIPTURAL TEXT

Now let's go ahead and read the Scripture passage. God's holy Word says:

¹ And he left there and went to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan, and crowds gathered to him again. And again, as was his custom, he taught them.

² And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” ³ He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” ⁴ They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.” ⁵ And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.⁶ But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ⁷ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, ⁸ and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. ⁹ What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

¹⁰ And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter.¹¹ And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, ¹² and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” (Mark 10:1-12)

This is the word of God, and it is for our good. Let's pray.

Father, I pray that this word would cleanse, convict, put courage and strength and wholly resolve in the hearts of your people. In Jesus’ name, amen.

TWO THINGS TO HELP YOU PROCESS THIS PASSAGE

Before we start to walk through this passage, I want to say a couple of things, because this is a difficult passage. It is not difficult because it is hard to understand. It is not hard to understand. It is difficult because the world is so out of touch with the way of the Lord. And not only that, but even among many professing Christians, their understanding of marriage and divorce and remarriage is woefully inadequate and unbiblical. And so, this is a difficult passage for that reason. And I just want to say a couple of things to help you walk through the passage with me.

First, we want to honor the words of Jesus. Back at the end of Chapter 8, Jesus said, “For whoever is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.” (Mark 8:38, italics added) So, I don't want a situation where you feel good about the message, but Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God and is dishonored because we don’t deal honestly with his words. Jesus is honored when we deal honestly with the truth of what he has said.

Second, remember that as Christians we received this instruction as those who are standing beneath the cross. And so, for those of you who are truly in Christ, there is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). Which means that you can hear and process and wrestle with and sort through a passage like this within the context of the Lord's mercy and grace. However, if you are outside of Christ, then you are under condemnation (John 3:36), and this passage might prove to be a convicting word that shows you your need for Christ.

With these things in mind, let's walk through the passage.

WALKING THROUGH THE TEXT

Setting the Stage (v. 1-2)

Verse 1 tells us that Jesus is on the move. He is moving from north to south: here he is in the region of Judea and eventually he is going to be in Jerusalem at the beginning of Chapter 11, on route to the cross. And he is doing what he so often does: he is attracting the crowds and teaching them.

And in the midst of this public teaching moment, those antagonists the Pharisees show up again and they have a question. They are not asking this question as humble learners. Of course, we should listen to this passage as humble learners, but the Pharisees are opponents and critics of Jesus. And they have asked this “to test him” (Mark 10:2) – to tempt him, to draw out something from him that they could use as ammunition against him. They are playing the gotcha game. But Jesus speaks the truth plainly, and there is a dialogue. They asked Jesus a question in verse 2. He asks them a question in verse 3. They answer his question in verse 4. And he answers them in verses 5-9. And then there is follow-up instruction in verses 10-12.

The Pharisees’ Question (v. 2)

Here's the Pharisees’ question in verse 2: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” Is it permissible, is it legitimate, is it okay in God's sight for a man to divorce his wife? Notice that the question is not: when is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife or under what circumstances is it lawful or might it be lawful for a man to divorce his wife? The question is just simple and straightforward, with no specific circumstances or qualifications in view. The question is simply: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”

Jesus’ Initial Reply (v. 3)

Jesus replies to their question with a question of his own in verse 3: “What did Moses command you?” He wants to draw out of them what they think before he presses the truth upon their hearts and minds.

The Pharisees’ Answer (v. 4)

In verse 4, the Pharisees answered Jesus’ question by calling attention to Deuteronomy 24. I'm not going to read that passage, but they are referring to Deuteronomy 24:1-4. The Pharisees say in Mark 10:4, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.”

The actual focus of Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is not to allow divorce, but rather to regulate it. Specifically, the passage forbids a man who divorces his wife from taking her back, if she has gone on to marry another man and then her second husband divorces her or dies. In such a situation, the first husband cannot take her back. Even so, it is evident in an indirect way that the Deuteronomy 24:1-4 passage shows that divorce was allowable in situations where a husband “found some indecency in [his wife]” (Deuteronomy 24:1). That is the phraseology from Deuteronomy 24, which became the subject of a great debate – what constitutes an indecency? – but we aren’t going to get into that now.

Now Deuteronomy 24 is Holy Scripture, and it must be taken seriously as such. And yet, it is not God's primary word or first word or main word about marriage and divorce. And this brings us to verses 5-9.

Jesus Answers the Pharisees (v. 5-9)

In verse 5, Jesus explains that the Old Testament’s allowance for divorce was a concession to the hardness of men's hearts. That is not a compliment! In other words, the instruction in Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is not instruction for faithful, humble, and gracious people. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is not God's will for people who have a heart for God. Instead, Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is a word from God for people who are stuck in sinful, stubborn hearts. And because of their sinful and stubborn hearts, they are exasperated by their spouse or incapable of loving their spouse. Therefore God said, in effect, through his faithful servant Moses: Since you refuse to repent of your sin, I will accommodate your obstinacy by allowing you to divorce your wife. But don't think that this is the path of blessing. It isn't. It's only the path of short-term survival for unrepentant and hard-hearted people.

Before we unpack more of Jesus’ answer, it is very interesting and instructive to look at the pronouns that Jesus uses in verse 3 and verse 5. These pronouns show us that Jesus regards the inscripturated word as a living word that addresses every generation of believers. Look at verse 3. Jesus doesn't ask: What did Moses command them? Instead he asks: “What did Moses command you? (italics added) Moses wrote these words a thousand years earlier, and they still make a claim on everyone who would read them. This is the living and abiding Word of God. Likewise in verse 5, Jesus says: “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.” (italics added) He didn't say, Because of their hardness of heart, he wrote them this commandment. Instead he was saying: “Because of your [you Pharisees’] hardness of heart, Moses wrote you [Pharisees] this commandment.” Which is a way of saying: Pharisees, your hearts are as hard and obstinate as the hearts of the Israelites in Moses’ day. And the reason that the Pharisees run to a passage like Deuteronomy 24:1-4, which was a concession for hard-hearted people, is because they are hard-hearted! Hard-hearted folks gravitate to the concessions, the exceptions, the opt-out clauses – anything that would serve their sinful and self-absorbed hearts. Hard-hearted folks will find the loopholes or, by doing clever verbal gymnastics, they will create new loopholes.

The tender-hearted, by contrast, want full-strength teaching: “Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.” (Psalm 119:34)

So let’s proceed to the full-strength teaching that Jesus gives in verses 6-9. In verses 6-8, Jesus goes back to the first two chapters of the Bible – which are also part of the writings of Moses – and he highlights the foundational instruction about marriage. And then in verse 9, he draws out the implication.

So, there is this theology of marriage that we find in Genesis, Chapters 1 and 2. Marriage is not a human contract. It is a God-established ordnance. And if you violate it, you do so to your own peril. In verse 6, Jesus says: “But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’” This goes all the way back to Genesis 1:27 – that when God made mankind in his image, he created them male and female. Some are male, others are female. Male and female are distinct sexes, and the male and female are designed for each other – so that, together, they can fulfill the God-given commission to “[be] fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” and exercise dominion over the planet (Genesis 1:28). The man and his wife, the king and queen as it were, were designed to rule the earth as representatives of the High King of heaven. They were to reflect his character and spread his glory and communicate his ways throughout the whole universe.

This conjoining of male and female is unpacked further in Genesis 2. God made the man first (Genesis 2:7). Several verses later we read: “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18) Then God had all the animals march in front of Adam, and Adam named the animals (Genesis 2:19-20). But among the animals there was not found a suitable counterpart for Adam (Genesis 2:20). And then God performed a glorious creation in the garden: he took from the side of the man, created a woman, and brought the woman to the man (Genesis 2:21-22). Then poetry spilled out of the man as he received his bride (Genesis 2:23).

Notice that the helper fit for man is not a beast; therefore there should be no bestiality. The helper fit for man is not another man; therefore there should be no homosexuality. The helper fit for man is not a harem; therefore there should be no polygamy. Instead, the helper fit for man is one woman. This is God's design. This is God's will. This is the path of love and beauty and holiness. And this is the pattern in which we are called to live.

And in light of all that teaching that runs from Genesis 1:26 to near the end of Genesis 2, we arrive at the grand conclusion, the great imperative, the glorious invitation of Genesis 2:24, which Jesus quotes in Mark 10:7-8. In light of this wonderful design that we see in Genesis 1-2, Jesus says: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Mark 10:7-8; almost a word for word quotation of Genesis 2:24) Then in the rest of verse 8, Jesus calls attention to the one flesh reality of marriage: “So they are no longer two but one flesh.” (v. 8)

What happens in marriage is not mere agreement, not mere contract, not mere exchange of vows, not a mere human arrangement that can be severed when one of the parties wants to. What happens in marriage is the creation of a new reality: one flesh. Prior to the marriage, there was one man and one woman, two distinct and separate individuals. But after a man leaves his first home and is joined to his wife, thus establishing a new household, now they are united as one flesh. Their individual personhood is not destroyed, but now they live as one entity. Now, through mutual affection and through sexual union and through making their home together and through pursuing God-given aims, they live as one. And we must not trivialize or downplay this one flesh-reality, because the making of two into one is something that God does. Jesus says in verse 9: “What therefore God has joined together…” In other words, when a man and woman are lawfully joined together in holy matrimony, although the man and woman have a role, although the parents may have a role, although the town clerk may have a role in issuing the marriage license, although the person officiating the wedding has a role, the ultimate and decisive Creator of the marriage is Almighty God. Don't play with this. Don't fool around with this. Don't experiment with it. Don't treat it lightly. You are not the primary creator of your marriage, and therefore you are not free to undo it. As Scripture says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” (Hebrews 13:4)

On the basis of the fact that marriage is God's design – according to which one man and one woman are joined together as one flesh, and that their one flesh union is, in fact, God's handiwork – the conclusion is straightforward: “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (v. 9) Do not undo what God has done. Do not separate what God has united. Do not tear down what God has built. Verse 9 is the answer to the question of verse 2. “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” (v. 2) Jesus’ answer is clear and unmistakable: No.

Jesus Provides Additional Instruction to His Disciples (v. 10-12)

As we have seen before in the Gospel of Mark, there are times when the disciples hear Jesus’ teaching, and afterward – when they are in a private setting, such as a house – they ask for additional instruction. This is what happens in verse 10, leading to additional teaching from Jesus in verses 11-12. Jesus says, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” (v. 11-12)

Now our passage ends at verse 12, but it is worth pointing out that another passage tells us that the disciples were stunned by this instruction. Matthew 19:9 is very similar to Mark 10:11. And the next verse in Matthew 19 says this: “The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”” (Matthew 19:19) In other words: If marriage is such that once you are in it you are stuck, and the only way out of it makes you guilty of adultery, then I think that it would be better to avoid it altogether! Do you understand? If you are not stunned by Jesus' teaching, or if you have easy ways of explaining it away, then you are not taking his words seriously!

Think about what adultery is. Adultery is sin against the marriage covenant; it is a breach of the one flesh union. Thus we understand that if a married man has an affair with another woman, he is an adulterer (the other woman is guilty also). Or if a married woman has an affair with another man, she is an adulterous (the other man is guilty also). Now someone might think: Okay, I can avoid the sin of adultery by divorcing my spouse, and then I can get married to a new person, and then it won't be adultery. But Jesus says, in essence: Your thinking is incorrect. In fact, your marriage to spouse number two (after your divorce from spouse number one) is adultery. God doesn't bend to the legal maneuvers of mankind. Obtaining legal divorce papers and a new marriage license does not adjust God's will as it pertains to the original one flesh union which He made, about which Jesus said, “let not man separate.” Therefore, divorce and remarriage is not a strategy to avoid adultery; it is a pathway to adultery. And disciples of Jesus must not go down that path.

Remember the previous passage at the end of Mark 9: whatever is causing you to sin, cut it out, and tear it away. Pursue holiness! Each married male disciple must live faithfully and honorably toward his wife, and each married female disciple must live faithfully and honorably toward her husband. This is the path of obedient discipleship.

TWO IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

Now I have one main application that I want us to take to heart with great seriousness. And it would be nice if we could jump right into it, but first it is necessary to speak briefly about two questions that often arise when pondering this passage.

Question #1: Are there any exceptions to the rule?

Here is the first question: Are there any exceptions to the rule? The instruction from our passage is clear: marriage is permanent; no divorce; and no remarriage after divorce. (Remarriage after the death of a spouse is an entirely different matter, and it is allowed. See 1 Corinthians 7:39-40.) But are there any exceptions to the prohibition on divorce and remarriage? Well, the New Testament does mention two exceptions.

The first exception is in cases where the other spouse commits sexual immorality, which would constitute adultery. Of course, a tender-hearted man or woman won't rush to divorce in such a case – they would want to do everything they can to repair the marriage. But maybe the other spouse – the one guilty of adultery – doesn't want the marriage to be repaired. In Matthew 19:9 Jesus says: “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” In Matthew 1:18-25, Joseph sought to terminate his betrothal to Mary. In that day, betrothal really carried the legal weight of marriage. Joseph sought to terminate his betrothal, and not because he had a hard heart. For we are told that Joseph was a righteous man. And he thought that Mary was guilty of sexual immorality. Therefore his mindset to terminate the betrothal wasn’t wrong. (Of course, in reality Mary was not guilty of sexual immorality – and the Lord revealed this to Joseph, and Joseph and Mary remained bound together and became husband and wife.)

The second exception – found in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 – is in the specific situation where a believer is married to an unbeliever, and the unbeliever does not want to continue in the marriage anymore. Paul says that in such circumstances the believing spouse should let it be so – that is, go ahead and allow the unbelieving spouse to walk away. And thereafter the believer is no longer bound by that marriage.

The Bible does not directly address what to do in a marriage that is afflicted by egregious abuse. But we should be clear about one thing: when a wife and children are in grave danger at the hands of a wicked man, the command to love our neighbor as ourselves should prompt us to do everything we can to rescue and shelter and protect them.

Now the above situations are exceptional circumstances. But amid the normal ups and downs – the normal difficulties and trials and conflicts and failings of married life – the command is clear for two Christians who are joined together in marriage: no divorce! Stick it out. Stay faithful to the end.

Question #2: What if I’ve already blown it?

Here is the second question: What if I've already blown it? What if you've already gone down the path of divorce and remarriage? What if you were the hard-hearted spouse who walked away from your partner? What if you were not the hard-hearted spouse, but your hard-hearted spouse sinned against you and cast you out and thus put you in a vulnerable and compromised situation?

Of course, Mark 10:1-12 doesn't address how to reassemble the pieces of our lives after they are broken apart because we have gone astray from the Lord's will. The purpose of Mark 10:1-12 is to tell us God’s will regarding the permanence of marriage; its purpose is not to tell us how to remedy a situation where the Lord’s will has been violated.

But I have good news for you. Do you remember what Jesus said in Mark 2? Jesus said, “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) The Gospel of Luke clarifies the idea: “I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:32) One of my favorite authors puts it this way, “God takes us from where we are, not from where we should have been.”[1] This is good news for everyone in here – regardless of what your issues are – because any time we sin we are not where we ought to be. “God takes us from where we are, not from where we should have been.”

Let this sink in: from wherever we are, we can draw near to the Lord. If we failed, we can turn away from our sin and take refuge in the Lord and receive His mercy. If we have been sinned against, we can turn away from self-pity and anger, and instead lean on the everlasting arms and receive His grace. We may look back on so many regrets, so many foolish decisions, so many heartaches, so many sins and so many sinful responses to when others have sinned against us. But the real question is: Have you come to the point where you have a humble and teachable heart before the Lord? Have you become one of the broken-hearted ones who is poor in spirit? Jesus teaches us, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3) Blessed are the poor in spirit, the bankrupt, those who despair of themselves, those who come to the Father with empty hands and receive His abundant grace. If that’s you, then you are blessed, and the kingdom of heaven is yours.

So let’s be clear: Mark 10:1-12 is not intended to press condemnation on disciples who have failed in the past, who know that they have failed, who have owned it, and who are now trusting the mercies of the Lord and are seeking to walk humbly with their God. If that's you, relax. Be amazed at God's grace. And with fear and trembling, strive for obedience the rest of your days.

Of course, if this passage is exposing an unresolved sin from the past, then address it, acknowledged it before the Lord, and let Him cleanse you from all unrighteousness and receive you into His fellowship afresh and anew.

THE MAIN LESSON: HAVE AND PURSUE A TENDER HEART WITHIN MARRIAGE    

That said, the main purpose of this passage is to press upon us what it means to follow Jesus in the context of marriage. And so, here is the primary application – and this is so wonderful to consider and so profitable to unpack: Have and pursue the tenderness of heart which makes a faithful, joyful, and lifelong marriage possible.

This lesson flows right out of verse 5. The logic of verses 4-5 is clear: If y'all weren't infected with hardness of heart, than the allowance for divorce would be unnecessary, right? As long as human beings have hard hearts, divorce will be a thing. But it is not to be so among the disciples of Jesus.

You need to understand that Jesus’ call upon his disciples is to consider divorce as a non-option, and to build marriages that go the distance, is not based on the idea that his disciples will be better managers of their hard hearts than the Israelites were. Instead Jesus’ high calling upon us for discipleship in marriage is based on the reality that his true disciples will not have hard hearts! This is the promise of the new covenant, brothers and sisters. The Old Testament, in passages such as Jeremiah 31 and Ezekiel 36, looked forward to the new covenant, which Jesus inaugurated with his blood (1 Corinthians 11:25). The new covenant is here and now for every true believer. In Jeremiah 31 God said, “I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts.” (Jeremiah 31:33) In other words, God’s law won’t just be an external code out here that we might have a hard-hearted response to, but instead – for those whom God graciously saves – God’s law will be written within our hearts and minds, our affections and capacities will be transformed, and thus we will respond to God’s written Word with tender hearts. Likewise in Ezekiel 36 God said, “I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh” (Ezekiel 36:25-26). How do you solve the problem of a hard heart? Heart surgery, that’s how! Ezekiel 36 says: “I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26) – that is, a tender heart that is responsive to the Lord. Ezekiel 36 continues: “And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.” (Ezekiel 36:27)

By his blood and sacrifice, Jesus has brought the new covenant to his people. Mark 1:8 told us that Jesus is the One who baptizes his people “with the Holy Spirit.” Jesus came to bring us into the reality of the Holy Spirit. And for those who, through faith in Jesus, have entered into the new covenant, we can say with the apostle John that “[God’s] commandments are not burdensome” (1 John 5:3). Of course, if you have a hard heart, then God’s commandments are burdensome. But if you have a transformed heart, then God’s commandments are not burdensome. Through God’s gracious saving work, his believing people have a new heart. This is what I mean by have tenderness of heart. You either have it or you don’t.

But I didn’t just say have tenderness of heart. I said: Have and pursue tenderness of heart. If you havea tender heart, you must also pursue it; just because you have a new heart and the Holy Spirit is in you, doesn’t mean that you can go on autopilot. The remnants of sin remain within us. Temptations keep popping up. In and of ourselves, we are very weak. And the Bible tells us that on the basis of our fellowship with Christ, we must put away sin and put on righteousness. Thus have and pursue the tenderness of heart which makes a faithful, joyful, and lifelong marriage possible.

Three Aspects of Pursuing Tenderness of Heart

Here are three very important things to keep in mind as you seek to grow in tenderheartedness.

First, in order to successfully pursue tenderness of heart, you must first walk with God as your primary concern. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and then love your neighbor as yourself. And in Mark 10:1-12 we see the God-centeredness of Jesus’ instruction – the creation of male and female and their one-flesh union for a lifelong marriage, this is God’s design. Marriage is God-centered – it is from him, through him, and for him. We must be in fellowship with him, if we would have a tender heart in our marriages.

Second, in order to successfully pursue tenderness of heart, you must apply the lessons of discipleship to your marriage. I love this. Everything that we have been learning in Chapters 8 and 9 – in one sense what we have learned is not about marriage, but in another sense it is about marriage because those lessons of discipleship are supposed to be applied in our marriages.

The hard heart is self-seeking. That is not helpful in marriage. But what did Jesus say in Mark 8:34? Deny yourself, take up your cross, follow me. That should be your disposition. Christ is King. Follow him as you go into your marriage.

The hard heart is self-reliant. But what did we learn in Mark 9:14-29? We must be prayerful and dependent on the Father. Do not rush into your marital issues as the great warrior who is going to conquer, but humble yourself and trust the Father to do his work.

The hard heart is self-exalting. In Mark 9:33-37, Jesus gives instruction to counter the self-exalting hard heart that attempts to get one up on everyone else. The self-absorbed heart thinks, ‘It's all about me and my glory and my honor and my desires.’ But Jesus says, No! No! No! Instead you must humbly serve one another. Therefore, humbly serve your spouse without any fanfare or expectation of congratulation.

The hard heart also – as we learned last week from Mark 9:42-50 – treats sin lightly and treats people harshly. But what are you supposed to do? This is especially relevant for marriage. You are supposed to be at war with sin, and at peace with your spouse. Be united with your spouse, and make war against your sin. But what happens if you have a hard and stubborn and self-absorbed heart? What happens is that you get cozy with your sin. You get united to your sin, and you make war against your spouse. And remember this: since you and your spouse are one flesh, whatever you do to your spouse, you do to yourself – because you and your spouse are one. Try gentleness toward your spouse, and enjoy gentleness for yourself!

Third, in order to successfully pursue tenderness of heart, you must be resolved to operate out of a tender heart regardless of your spouse's performance. If you give or withhold love on the basis of your spouse's behavior, then you are not walking in love. But if you have a tender heart that is being renewed through your fellowship with the Lord, then what is going to come out of your heart is kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience – regardless of what your spouse is doing – because love is coming from within, out of the new heart, and from the Holy Spirit and the Word of God working within you. Love is what comes out of a tender heart, regardless of what anyone else is doing.

And if perhaps your spouse’s conduct leaves a lot to be desired, be assured that hard-hearted attempts to “help” your spouse will not bear good fruit. Hard-hearted complaining, hard-hearted outbursts of anger, hard-hearted shaming, hard-hearted harsh words, hard-hearted argumentativeness – such things will not encourage your spouse on the path of holiness. Therefore, resolve to be tender-hearted at all times. And remember: “A soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1); “A gentle tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4); “Gracious words are like a honeycomb” (Proverbs 16:24); and it is the glory of a sensible and patient person “to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). That is all from the Proverbs. Tender hearts keep on forgiving – not “seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22) Tender hearts don't keep a record of wrongs. Tender hearts build a culture of grace.

Have and pursue the tenderness of heart which makes a faithful, joyful, and lifelong marriage possible.

ONE REMARKABLE HUSBAND  

To conclude, I want to tell you about one remarkable husband. This particular husband had been promised a beautiful bride. But when he came and found her, she was not beautiful. She was not lovely. She had all kinds of spots and blemishes and defects and liabilities and issues. But he loved her anyway. He kept on loving her, serving her, making room for her, bandaging up her wounds, speaking life to her heart. And in due course, he actually took responsibility for all of her issues; he took responsibility for all of her defects; he took responsibility for all of her liabilities. And he laid down his life for her. And then an amazing thing happened. His sacrificial love for her began to change her, and soften her, and beautify her, and make her lovely.

Brothers and sisters, the ultimate embodiment of this instruction is our Lord Jesus Christ. He left the Father in order to be joined to his unlovely bride. And through his love and sacrifice, he laid down his life for her in order to make her a beautiful and lovely bride.

Now listen to this – especially if you are married – but everybody listen to this: the everlasting glory and the everlasting beauty and the everlasting splendor of the bride of Christ is dependent on the fact that Christ our Husband does not have a hard heart. Because if he had a hard heart, he would have divorced us a long time ago. He is patient. He keeps on forgiving. He keeps on forbearing. He keeps on being gentle. He keeps on serving us. And as we taste his love for us, he says to us: My people, go back into your marriage and reflect a little bit of my character, a little bit of my grace, a little bit of my patience, a little bit of my sacrifice.

Thus marriage is supposed to be a small reflection – an image – of the character and love of Christ. So go and fill the world with these little images that reveal the beauty of our Lord’s sacrifice.

Let's pray. 

Father, we thank you that you have given us a Savior who doesn't have a hard heart. It is glorious, and it is our salvation. I pray that this beautiful truth would be sweet in our hearts and would transform the way that we live. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.

ENDNOTES

[1] This quote is from Douglas Wilson, although if I remember correctly he learned it from his father, Jim Wilson. Douglas Wilson has shared this principle on more than one occasion. For example, see Douglas Wilson, “Ezra Nehemiah 18,” April 19, 2006. Available online at https://dougwils.com/the-church/s8-expository/ezra-nehemiah-xviii.html.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

James R. Edwards, The Gospel according to Mark (The Pillar New Testament Commentary). Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2002.

William L. Lane, The Gospel of Mark (The New International Commentary on the New Testament). Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1974.

Eckhard J. Schnabel, Mark (Tyndale New Testament Commentaries Vol. 2). Downers Grove: IVP Academic, 2017.

James W. Voelz, Mark 8:27 – 16:20 (Concordia Commentary). St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2019.

Ben Witherington III, The Gospel of Mark: A Socio-Rhetorical Commentary. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2001.